The Real American Horror Story is a Lack of Vision

Nothing speaks more clearly of the real American horror story than the lukewarm election of a spoiled brat. More than 90,000,000 registered voters amplified the disturbed sounds of silence, while 62,793,872 gambled on the fantasies of a liar, and 65,432,202 voted for someone with a clue.

 Supposedly this election was about the economy. Let’s clarify one certainty for former factory workers in the USA: jobs that have been replaced by automation will never come back. If you are among that demographic, you need to move on. You need to use all the resources available in your community to help you find a new occupation. Factory jobs are not coming back. Your jobs are gone. They did not go to Asia and South America, they went to robots. They went to robots because too many workers were injured by repetitive motion and dangerous occupations. You cannot compete with robots; they’re safer and more efficient.

Displaced workers in America are looking in the wrong places for help. What you need is a society and leadership that progresses toward Gene Roddenberry’s vision. Notice in Star Trek that there is no money at all. All basic needs are met. It’s a non issue.

“…the problem isn’t the problem; the problem is how you approach the problem.” -George Theakos, MMA Trainer

The fact is that the natural resources available to us on Earth can support billions of human beings quite comfortably. We have the technology to grow plenty of food for everyone. We have the means to provide clean water to everyone. We have the know-how and materials to supply everyone with electricity and plumbing. The only thing that has been missing is motive.

Motive is missing not merely because people cling to the comfort of familiar things. Motive is missing because too many people are in the dark.

America can be a shining city on a hill, but not by demagogue. The real American horror story can be rewritten. It can be a real thriller. It can have a satisfying ending that ignites anticipation of a great series. What we need is light.

Where does one find light? In higher education. Knowledge is power.

Instead of staring at your dead occupation and clinging to an old familiar way of providing for your family, invest your time in free education. It surrounds you. Learn how to use the internet. Go to a library. Call your local elected officials and demand occupational rehabilitation programs. Free tutorials exist everywhere online. Stop treating alternative occupations as if they are inaccessible when the truth is you have been unwilling to adapt. Stop being a zombie. Prove that you are alive and well–show some creativity, flexibility, and pride in being willing to own your thoughts and change your approach to solving your problems. As a dear friend of mine teaches, “More often than not, the problem isn’t the problem; the problem is how you approach the problem.”

Conclusion: the real American horror story is a lack of vision.


Image courtesy of Mashable


#NotMyPresident – What That Means For Me

To CNN and anyone else who says that #NotMyPresident is the same as saying not my Constitution, I respectfully disagree and the debate ends there for me.  I have said my two cents and there is nothing you can say that will persuade me otherwise.

As I stated on my Twitter page, which is CalexitCarma [since deleted*], “I am voting for #Calexit.  If you attack me for exercising my freedom, I will block you.  If you want to know why, reply to this tweet.”  So far, inquiries have been civil.

Now, what #NotMyPresident means for me is this and only this:

  • I will treat him with the same level of respect and give him as much a chance as those who despised, did not trust, feared, ridiculed, and organized against Barack Obama.
  • I will, in every peaceful and legal means available, mutilate his name and castrate his character every time he does something I strongly disagree with or that I simply do not like.
  • I will, in every peaceful and legal means available, dissent and organize boycotts, walkouts that target businesses that A) remain silent on matters of equal rights, or B) act or speak directly against equal rights.
  • I will be vigilant and defend the rights of other members of the human race regardless of skin, birth station, faith or ability.
  • I will invest my funds in bonds that help the states where the majority of voters made it a “blue” state.
  • I will encourage others to dissent peacefully and legally in every way that I have described above.
  • I will fly my state flag at all times.
  • I will donate my time, energy, and charitable dollars in ways that promote education and political activism in favor of humanity.
  • I will stay informed about this administration by researching through Ecosia, Google or Yahoo, and I will not give any traffic to a news site that has failed to report facts and only facts.  The pundits and pollsters who failed me are hereby treated as the failures they are and should be fired.
  • I will refer to because their “About Us” indicates they stand for what I believe is good and trustworthy:  scientific data.
  • I will follow the money trail to determine who demonstrates an agenda to greedily dominate the U.S.A. and I will inform others of facts.

As I have always done, I will continue to strive to be a joy to work with, as I have always respected others regardless of skin, birth station, faith or ability.  This is who I am and nothing and no one can take it from me.


*Updated March 3, 2018: The reason I stopped participating in the #Calexit movement is because the leaders of the movement were split and one of them was found to have Russian ties.  Therefore, I withdrew from the activity.

Exodus from Social Media Flame Wars

On Tuesday night before any news show would call the election, when it was still too close to call in most battleground states, when it was becoming rapidly apparent that something was very wrong with this picture… that is when the exodus from social media began. News reports indicate that Stephen King is among the many who are abandoning Facebook, Twitter and other inflammatory sites. Before any of this, I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter accounts on Tuesday night and, seeing the stock market falling, I went to Fidelity Investments site and placed orders to move all of my 401(k) and IRA investments from stocks to bonds. All I can do now is stop the bleeding.

Many Americans cannot stomach any more of the nonsense.  It is an exercise in madness to continue to discuss, debate, refute, post facts… we are now living in Trumpland.  It is nauseating, and for some of us, we simply cannot bear the chatter.

We thought we could make a difference.  We thought we could share factual information and persuade Millenials and Bernie supporters that Hillary was the best choice and only qualified candidate.  Now it’s too late.  The GOP has the power.  The Supreme Court will be conservative for years to come.  They won.  We lost.

The exodus is happening because millions of sane people cannot stomach this debate to continue for four more years.  We fully thought it would be settled on Tuesday night.  We were ready to sympathize.  Now, there is no sympathy for us.  Only gloating by followers of a male chauvinist pig.  America put a pedophile in power.  It is the most shameful thing that has ever happened in this country.  An admitted groper, a man who has a long history of abusing power, will receive the nuclear codes in three months, and there is nothing, not one thing, we can legally do about it.

So we get back to work, live our lives, in our states.  For me, I hang my head in shame, no longer will I identify as an American.  I am a Californian.peace-and-independence

  • Edit Nov 14:  I joined the California National Party and will vote Yes on the Calexit referendum on the 2019 Spring ballot.


A Vow of Sisterhood


In the spirit of loving one another as we are moved by the divine to perfect, I vow to my sisters here and now and for the future:

  • I will stand with you, shoulder to shoulder, and defend your right to be you, to do you, and to have you.
  • I will protect and defend your human rights regardless of differences.
  • I will treat you with respect and dignity regardless of  differences.
  • I will admit my failures and mistakes, and forgive yours.
  • I will seek to understand your differences and empathize with your experience and perspective.
  • I will do my best to help you grow spiritually and intellectually.
  • I will seek to compassionately inform you when I believe you or saying or doing things that are unwise or likely to cause harm to you and your loved ones.
  • I will honor your autonomy by refraining from manipulation when I utterly disagree with your choices.
  • I will rejoice in your faith and trust that your relationship with the divine–no matter how much our interpretations or valuations seem to be opposed–I will defend your right and freedom to worship, so long as you equally respect others’ rights and freedoms.
  • I will continue to nurture the attitudes of peacemakers who, like Jesus the greatest peacemaker, preached love, humility, grace, mercy, wisdom, and the golden rule of treating others as we would have others treat us–to judge not because none of us wants to be judged.
  • I promise that when I stumble (and I will because I am no better than any other human being) that I will own my mess, clean it up, and carry on as your sister.

The same goes for my brothers.

Everyone is my brother and my sister, no matter who you voted.

And for the record, I am not religious at all, but I will relentlessly defend others’ rights to their beliefs even when I think those beliefs are potentially harmful superstitions.  I would rather die than deny another human being their rights and freedoms.`

Improving America’s Police Force

After a grueling two weeks as Juror #6 in the civil suit Banta v. Walnut Creek et al, there is a lot to say about what went wrong that led to the unnecessary fatal shots to young Anthony Banta.  The jury was only asked to judge if the second volley of shots fired by Sgt. Sugrue and Officer Ezard were excessive use of deadly force.

First, thoughts about the jury.  Eight people were selected.  I don’t know why we did not have twelve, and there were no alternatives.  We assumed it was agreed to by both parties, and our focus was on the single issue put before us.  The jury selection process was excellent, in my opinion, though this is the first time I have ever been through the process.  A group of 40 to 50 people were screened.

Throughout the trial we were instructed not to discuss the case with each other or anyone else.  To my knowledge, all of us obeyed the rules.  Until the moment jury deliberation began, the only comments we had were about the jury selection experience and our thankfulness that this judge seemed to be very good – he kept the trial moving forward with minimal redundancy.  Attorneys for both parties were repeatedly told to move on when witnesses had already been asked and had answered questions more than once in different ways, and he was fair and respectful about correcting questions when the questions posed were convoluted.

As to why we the jury were only allowed to decide on the second volley of shots, I cannot speak for others, but I was very dissatisfied about that.  A lot of things went wrong that night, and I believe with all my heart Anthony’s death could have and should have been prevented.

None of us believed that Anthony lunged toward the officers.  At most, he tried to get up, after the first volley shattered his right femur and injured his left shoulder.  Was there time for the officers to regroup and try a different tactic to safely take him into custody?  Yes, there was.  The only reason that the feather came down on the scale for the defendants (the two officers who fired the second volley) was because it was more probably true that the officers believed two victims upstairs might be bleeding to death after they were engaged in a struggle and the line went dead (the call to 911 was disconnected).

The only evidence that the officers might have known the two people upstairs were okay, was that the dispatcher had said, before they entered the unit, “suspect is known to them, his name is Anthony.”

We learned that Anthony was 5 feet 5 inches according to the Coroner’s Report, and approximately 130 pounds.  He was petite.

I was never convinced that the four officers who responded to the 911 call were forthcoming about their memories of that night.  All four gave a different version of events and there were a lot of “I don’t recall” answers.  The excuse for that was, as it always is, that it all happened very fast and they had a lot of adrenalin in their systems.  But let me interject here, because I have been through traumatic events when my life was in immediate danger and everything happened very fast, and for me, forty years later, every detail is as clear as if it happened yesterday.  So I don’t buy “I don’t recall” and I do not believe that they told the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  As a juror, it is my right and my duty to decide whether or not a witness is telling the truth.  So I am stating for the record, I did not and do not believe the officers told the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I hope that puts the fear of Karma in them.  We all reap what we sow.  There is a justice system that no one can escape forever.

Why, then, did I vote to excuse them for the second volley of shots?  Because there was no evidence or testimony proving that they knew going in that the two people upstairs were okay.  If they did know that they were okay, there was no reason to rush.  One of the expert witnesses, Roger Clark, testified that in his experience (and he has a lot) the officers could have and should have put some distance between themselves and the suspect, that they did have time and were morally and legally obligated to re-assess the situation and try a less lethal way of disarming the young man.  As he described it, “Distance plus cover equals time.”  There were four handguns ready to fire, was it really necessary to shoot?  In my judgment, having heard all the testimony and having looked at the forensic evidence, it was not.

As I stated in my blog immediately after the verdict, the only reason I conceded that it was reasonable is that it seemed more probably true that they believed the two people upstairs could be bleeding to death.

There were four officers who entered the apartment and crowded at the bottom of the stairs with four guns pointed at one little man with a big knife.  I will grant them that it was scary.  I will grant them that a big knife can be thrown and can maim you.  But why did all four of them crowd at the bottom with guns ready to fire?  Was that necessary?  Shouldn’t the commander, Sgt. Sugrue, tell one of them to try to find out if the people upstairs were bleeding or okay?

One of the officers was trained in psychology and crisis intervention tactics.  Instead of practicing her training, she and Sgt. Sugrue yelled repeatedly at the suspect, who was obviously not in touch with reality.  I believe that Sgt. Sugrue reacted to the suspect as an “intruder on drugs”.  If I am to believe every word out of his mouth, it never occurred to him that the suspect might be deaf or having a mental breakdown.

Sgt. Sugrue described Anthony’s appearance as “zombie like” and “crazy” eyes and said it was the scariest thing he had ever seen, even in horror movies.  Note that he spent time in Iraq and had other military experience.  I sincerely doubt that this little guy’s “crazy” eyes is the scariest thing he’s ever seen.  I suggest he has PTSD and should be required to learn how to manage it better.  From what I saw and heard while he was on the witness stand, being a patrol officer on the graveyard shift is probably not the best use of his skills and bravery.

Long story short, I am very disappointed in the way this whole situation was bungled, from the moment the 911 call was received to the way the officers failed to diffuse the crisis.  I am writing this because I want to see improvements across the country in the mandatory training and procedure guidelines for handling a mental health crisis.  What happened to Anthony Banta could happen to any of us, any young adult, any teenager.  Our peace officers must be better trained and better equipped.  How about tranquilizer darts?  They work for tigers and bears!

I hope that the four officers who confronted Anthony Banta’s “crazy” eyes will take it upon themselves to get trained better and practice situations dealing with someone who may be having a mental breakdown.  I also hope that the dispatcher(s) who failed to relay vital information to the officers will learn to listen and communicate better.  The word “sleepwalking” was never mentioned, though it was one of the first things the 911 caller reported, “Anthony is sleepwalking again.”

To Serve and Protect

The past two weeks I have been on jury duty.  It was the first summons to jury duty that I have received in my life, I was lucky that way.  I was hoping I would not be selected, but was not going to make a great effort to get out of doing my civic duty.  I had a 2-hour commute through gnarly traffic from Santa Rosa to the federal court building in downtown San Francisco, 65 miles away.  The worst part about this summons was, I found out on the day I reported for Day 1 of jury duty, that it was about a police shooting.  It was a civil case in which the jury would decide whether or not the officers who shot a young man were liable for a wrongful death.  I can barely begin to speak about this trial without tears.

The case was brought by the family of Anthony Banta, 22 years old, killed between 3-4am on December 27, 2012.

There was reason to suspect that excessive use of deadly force was applicable in this case.  It was an extremely difficult determination.  Four officers responded to the 911 call for help.  Here is what happened at approximately 3:20am that night/morning.

It was the day after Christmas.  Anthony and his roommate, Parker, and Parker’s girlfriend, Sarah, had watched “Ted” together (the movie about a talking teddy bear).  After the movie, Sarah and Parker went upstairs to bed around midnight.  Sarah fell asleep immediately, Parker played Madden NFL while sitting in bed.  Hours later she awoke when she felt an elbow or something hit her head, and she saw Anthony on top of Parker, on the bed, straddling him, choking him.  Parker yelled his name several times, saying “Anthony, wake up!” as they struggled and he tried to push him off.  Sarah tried to help push him off, but was tangled in bedding that was pinned down by Anthony’s position.  Eventually Parker managed to push Anthony off and he fell and hit his back real hard and did not react to that at all, he continued to come at Parker.

The struggle continued.  Anthony got Parker in a choke hold and he was fighting for their lives – afraid that if he went unconscious, Sarah would be seriously hurt or killed.  He managed to get Anthony out of the bedroom.  Sarah jumped out of bed and shut and locked the bedroom door and call 911.  She immediately told the dispatcher that Anthony was “sleepwalking again”.  We listened to the entire dispatch call, it was horrific, the terror in her voice and how frantic she was, pleading, “please help us, oh god, please hurry”.  The dispatcher had difficulty understanding her because she was gasping for air and not making sense.  When we listened to it, it was in a calm setting, but for the dispatcher, it must have been hard to understand what was going on – it sounded like they needed a medic and she transferred the call to the Fire Dept.  Meanwhile, Parker and Anthony are downstairs and Parker is still yelling at him, trying to snap him out of it.

Parker testified that Anthony went to the kitchen and opened the drawer where his blue chef knife was kept, and he wrestled with him to stop him from getting the knife.  Upstairs, Sarah was looking for a piece of mail to get the exact street address of this apartment because she only knew how to get there, she did not have the address number memorized, and she was hysterical, afraid at what might be happening outside the door.

Parker managed to open the front door and shoved Anthony outside and locked him out.  He hurried back upstairs and was then able to tell the Walnut Creek Police dispatch a little more, but he too was frantic and out of breath.

Dispatch radioed WCPD patrol officers that they had received a call from a female barricaded in a bedroom or closet and a male with a knife at this unit.  Moments later they informed the officers who were responding to the call, locating the apartment, that there were two people – the female and her boyfriend – locked in the bedroom and a third party with a knife.  The dispatch did mention that the third party was known to them and his name was Anthony, however, the officers did not hear that radio transmission, they were already rushing to the scene, or getting out of their cars, or trying to find the unit, so it seems they really did not know that the man with the knife was not an intruder.

Another transmission told them that there was a struggle going on.  [Edit:  Anthony had broken through the kitchen window and was back at the bedroom door, trying to get in, while Parker and Sarah were using their bodies to hold it shut, the lock was almost completely broken, and the door had a lot of damage on both sides.] Then seconds later, dispatch again reported to the officers responding that “there’s a struggle…the line went dead.”  Now the officers have no line of communication with the people who have been attacked by someone with a knife.

When they arrived at the unit – two officers arrived before the other two – the first two tried to get someone to open the front door – yelled “Police, open the door” and Sgt. Sugrue kicked at the door, but it didn’t open.  Officer Connors noticed a tall window on the left that was busted inward, indicating that someone had broken into the apartment.  She entered through the window and called to Sugrue about that and he followed her in.

These two officers quickly checked the immediate rooms to see if anyone was there, hiding or hurt, and then proceeded to the bottom of the stairs.  At first, they only saw the back side of a man, but eventually Anthony faced them, at the top of the stairs, they were at the bottom, and now all 4 officers were crowded at the bottom, looking up at him, and 3 of them saw the knife in his hand.  It was a big, blue knife.  They questioned briefly if it was a real knife because of the color, but Connors confirmed because her flashlight caught the glint of the sharp edge.  They yelled at him to drop the weapon, drop the knife, show us your hands, drop it and he did not react to their presence in any rational manner.  He looked sweaty, pacing a little, and his eyes were wide and it seemed as if he was looking right through them.

He may have been sleepwalking during a nightmare or having a psychotic episode, or on drugs, whatever the case, he was not complying, and there were two people upstairs behind him who could be bleeding to death.  Sgt. Sugrue yelled “Taser” and Officer Ezard holstered his firearm and got his Taser out and aimed it up the stairs.

The officers saw him move down the stairs with the knife pointed out at them and they fired the first volley of shots and the Taser, and moved to get out of the landing area because he still had the knife and there was so little room at the bottom, he would have landed right on them.  One officer felt a bullet or slap on her leg and it was later discovered that one of the shots fired had gone through the pocket in her cargo pants that had gloves in it.  Officer Ezard was pushed backward and hit the front door with his back and heel, hard enough to leave busted areas on the inside of the door.

Connors, Sugrue and Griffith had managed to get to the side of the stairs and back toward the living/dining area.  Connors radioed “Shots fired”.  All 4 could see Anthony at the bottom of the stairs, but each had a different angle or vantage point.  Ezard was closest and had a more direct line of sight and could see the knife still in his hand.  Sugrue could see the knife, still in his hand.  Connors and Griffith could only see the back of his head and his back and that he was still moving.  None of them saw any blood or evidence of injury.  Anthony rose up with the knife after he was commanded to stay down, and Sugrue and Ezard fired a few shots.  Connors radioed “Shots fired.  Code 3 medical,” meaning the emergency medical team should be ready to enter, but not enter yet – it was still uncertain whether it was safe for them.  A few seconds later, Sugrue radioed “Code 4 medical, start notifications,” meaning it was safe for EMT to enter.

Connors went upstairs to check on the victims.  Sarah and Parker were still locked in the bedroom.  Sarah was crouched in the back of the closet.  Parker was on his knees near the door and his first question was, “Is Anthony okay?”  This is when the officers learned he was their friend, not an intruder, and that he was “not himself”, “that wasn’t Anthony,” he had never done anything like that.

The question before us was whether or not the shots fired at the bottom, the 2nd “volley”, was excessive use of deadly force.  It was a horrendous burden to have to put these pieces together, put ourselves in the shoes of both parties – the Banta family who wants justice for Anthony – did he have to die that night?  Was it necessary for these officers to have their guns pointed at him at the bottom of the stairs.  Was it necessary for them to fire a second time?  Was there another way, a less lethal way, of dealing with this threat?  We all wanted to tell these officers that it was not necessary for Anthony to die that night.  We deliberated passionately and with tears over it.  But the point that caused me – I can’t speak for others – to concede that the 2nd volley was objectively reasonable under the circumstances was that in their minds they had been called to help two people who were likely injured and very probably could be bleeding to death upstairs, and this person with the big knife was not responding in any kind of rational manner to four police with guns aimed at him, commanding him to put down the knife, or to stay down after he had come down at them with the knife.  Every second mattered.  If they had regrouped, spent 10 more seconds re-evaluating and deciding whether to try another Taser or pepper spray or a baton, it might be too late for the victims upstairs – the people who had called for help.

There are many things I could say about what could have been done better, more professionally, but that all had to do with the dispatcher’s handling of the call and relaying of information, the way the officers confronted Anthony when it was initially obvious that he was either on drugs or having a mental breakdown – hallucinating or something – he was not in his right mind, that was obvious – they could have and should have diffused the situation with their voices, but that’s hard to stick to, that judgment, because in the moment, with adrenalin, with the impression that someone who is clearly out of touch with reality, has attacked two people with a knife, and is now facing you with a knife and starts to come down the stairs … hopefully you see that it is only useful in hindsight to ponder what they could have done differently.  All I can say now is that the City of Walnut Creek came very close to an expensive bill for punitive damages.  Had this jury been given the assignment to decide on other aspects of the case, our verdict was likely going to be in favor of the Plaintiff, in my humble opinion.  But the task we were given was only this:

1. Do you believe that the blue knife was still in Anthony’s hand at the bottom of the stairs?  Yes or No

2.  Do you believe that at the bottom of the stairs Anthony was still moving and posed an immediate danger to the officers or others?

(As I said above, I conceded on the point of “immediate danger to others” because if the officers had moved away and tried to re-negotiate with him, the people upstairs who had been attacked might have bled to death, for all they knew – they were sworn to serve and protect, and Anthony was still moving, still non-compliant, and still had the knife in his hand, according to forensic evidence.  So, although I disagreed that he posed an immediate danger to the officers, because they had the opportunity to move away and get another Taser out or use pepper spray or perhaps even attempt to knock the knife out of his hand with a baton…all of those decisions put the victims upstairs at risk, in their minds, two people had been attacked and were probably in need of immediate medical attention which they could not receive until Anthony was in custody.)

3. Do you believe that Sgt. Sugrue violated Anthony Banta’s 4th Amendment rights under the U.S. Constitution?

4.  If yes to the above, do you believe it was done with malicious intent or reckless disregard for life?  (Paraphrasing there, I do not have the exact questions before me now.)

5.  Do you believe that Officer Ezard violated Anthony Banta’s 4th Amendment rights… and question 6, if yes… same as above.

7.  Do you believe that the shots fired at the bottom of the stairs by Sgt. Sugrue were excessive use of deadly force?  (This was a State law question, the above questions 3-6 were Federal issues.)

8.  Do you believe that the shots fired at the bottom of the stair by Officer Ezard were excessive use of deadly force?

The jury was composed of a librarian, a baker, a restaurant owner/manager, an IRS manager, an editor for the Wall Street Journal, a FedEx driver, a facilities engineer, and myself, an executive assistant for Red Hat.  None of us wanted to say it was necessary for Anthony to die that night.  None of us wanted to let police officers off the hook for shooting and killing this young man.  Unfortunately, the evidence corroborated their version of events.  There were blue pieces of the shattered knife handle at the bottom of the stairs – the hand was not shot at the top of the stairs or even midway as he came down.  It is likely that Anthony managed to rise up enough to trigger that 2nd volley.  It is likely that the bullet that entered his left eye and was the fatal wound was the bullet that had hit the hand and knife handle, broken it, exited the hand, and that his hand was probably in front of his face at the instance, so that that bullet went into his eye and killed him.  It was more probably true that the two bullet wounds in his back (upper left shoulder) that had entered at a downward angle, from top to bottom, and lodged in his ribs and punctured his lungs – that those bullets entered his body as he fell forward, split seconds of the fatal wound.  The amount of blood in his lungs, and the amount of blood outside of his body, on the hand, on the stairs, on the floor, indicated that his heart had stopped beating within seconds of the hand wound and back/lung wounds.  Furthermore, the shot to his right leg that shattered the femur, was not obvious and the officers could not have known he was unable to get up, because he landed on his right side, concealing that injury, and the amount of blood on the floor under his leg was not much, so all of this happened very fast and the officers did not know that he was unable to get up and make another assault.

The entire situation was a terrible tragedy.  These peace officers did the best they could with what they knew to serve and protect the people who had called for help.  I hope they will use this experience to train dispatchers and first responders about crisis intervention procedures.  I hope that peace officers will be given more options, better options than pepper spray and Tasers – other types of force options that aren’t as deadly as a hollow-point 40-caliber handgun.

My heart cries out for Anthony and all who have lost his presence in their lives.

Parenting Preemies

 No parent dreams of spending time in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU).  Most of us plan to have children and then the imagination takes us on a journey, but never to a place so dark an…

Source: Parenting Preemies

Addie’s Little Angel

Recently I learned that the difficulties my granddaughter has had in school are known as Asperger’s Syndrome, and that there is an organization that trains dogs to help kids with Asperger’s – AMAZING!!!  Now I am learning about Asperger’s and doing all I can to help spread social understanding and acceptance, as well as the wonderful news that Little Angels Service Dogs exist!

Please share and if you can donate anything at all, please do!  Share and share and share – that is so helpful!!!   My granddaughter’s story is at, scroll down to Addie, age 11.  Please share the link to help raise awareness and spread KINDNESS!!!  Please take a few moments to learn about Asperger’s and to teach your children to recognize it in their classmates and to be sympathetic and respectful of their special challenges in social settings, especially at school!  THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

This is my granddaughter, Adairah ("Addie")
This is my granddaughter, Adairah (“Addie”)
Gramma Carmels
Gramma Carmels, Tessa, Addie & Chelsea

Making Amends

It’s Father’s Day and that, for a lot of men, means a healthy reminder that it is never too late to make amends!  The attempt to make amends takes tremendous courage.  Before you consider how to go about making amends to children whose faith in you, and in men, and in God as a Father figure, has been damaged by your repeated failures to act like a man and keep your promises, a word of advice from a grownup daughter of a lame dad who never attempted to make amends.

Step 1.  Put yourself in the child’s shoes.  Stop thinking of yourself, your feelings, your reasons, your circumstances, your excuses.  The fact is, whatever you did (or did not do, and that is the problem), you were the adult, and they were the child, and no matter how mature they seem to you now — that little boy or girl is still inside, those memories of pain, fear, confusion, doubt, hopelessness…those feelings are still attached to thoughts of you.  The moment they found out you could not be counted on for love and support — that is the nerve touched at every thought of you, and they have to set that aside and try to override the negative emotions with rationalization.

Note:  Even if they reject your attempt to make amends, the fact that you knew that was a probability (deserved) and that you attempted anyway — that you were willing to risk pain yourself in order to heal theirs — it at least gives Men and Dads and God as a Father figure a better reputation!

Step 2.  Think carefully about the approach.  More often than not the problem is not the problem — the problem is how you approach the problem.  A handwritten letter of apology in the mail might be a nice touch, unless there is a restraining order in place, in which case, you should follow the law to the letter of it on how to communicate with those you have already traumatized.

Note:  If you write a letter, don’t write about the weather or the hooker you’re trying to save, and never lay blame on anyone but yourself for your failures to act as a responsible parent.  YOU chose to put your impregnating device into an impregnable place.  YOU chose to do things, or not do things, that were destructive.  So, no excuses and no blame game.

Step 3.  Don’t ask for anything in return and don’t expect that all will be forgiven.  Even if you are so lucky as to be forgiven, verbally, the negative feelings and memories will take a long, long time to heal, and you obviously have some growing to do as a human being to understand how bad what you did (or did not do) was and why trusting you enough to let you back into their world will take a lot of positive reinforcement initiated by you.  BABY STEPS:  Give your word on little things, and then keep your word on little things.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  Don’t tell lies, fibs, or exaggerations of the truth — be straight.  Don’t introduce your young adult children to your hooker girlfriend.  Don’t leave porn out where your grownup daughter can see it when she finally comes to spend a little time with you.  Don’t tell your children you can’t help them even a little bit with college or rent, when your checkbook shows $500 here and there paid to your 21-year-old friend named Pam.  Someday, you too will have a heart attack or stroke, and your checkbook will become part of the family record.  If you are a sex addict, own up to it and get some real help!

It’s time to man up!  Do or die in dishonor.

Note to the idiot who screwed his many second chances to be the hero to my son:  This is not an invitation to bother me, or him.  We stopped caring about you years ago when you failed to attempt to make amends when it would have made a difference.  It’s definitely too late for you.  Remember the time you were concerned about his well being and asked to speak to him on the phone when you called my best friend’s house the week we left?  Remember when you wrote to him c/o the Safe House PO Box?  Remember when you cared enough to prove to him that you had stopped abusing drugs and alcohol?  Remember when you saw the happy tears in his face?  No?  You don’t remember that?  Hmm.  I wonder how you could have forgotten doing such important things.  Oh well.  Whatever.  Your loss.  Remember the judge’s words, recorded in court, “Leave her alone…no contact…?”  Good.  At least you remember that!  Don’t make me file another restraining order.

Confessions of a Welfare Mom

2002 Carma&Son
Geology Badge, Webelos 2002

I am deeply offended by Mitt Romney’s accusation that welfare=laziness. When my son was born tragically early, I could not return to work – he would have died. I lost everything. I had perfect credit for 8 years. I’m a mere secretary with a  GED, and I had never looked for government handouts. And when the State Medicaid program paid for my son’s healthcare in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit, I thought, well, everyone in my family has been paying taxes all their lives and we’ve never been on welfare, so I guess that’s what we paid for. Also, for 12 years I did valuable community service as a volunteer for families. I was part of a NICU support group, I founded a Young Astronauts Science & Math Club, I was a Cub Scout Den Leader, Registrar, Treasurer, Activities Planner, and Child Protection Training advocate. I also arranged amazing Science field trips for the homeschool community in Colorado Springs. I helped my neighbors. I forged a relationship with our Muslim neighbors that made a difference in the lives of Christians and Muslims there. I worked super hard to pay my debt to society. I am deeply offended by Romney’s attitude, and anyone who has that attitude is part of the problem with America.  If you agree, you are welcome to share my story with others.

Science & Math Club, YEARS in the Rockies 1998-99

In 2004, I started from scratch with nothing but a 13-year-old mini van, what I could fit into it, and $2000 cash thanks to Earned Income Credit on my federal tax return. My husband at the time was mentally unstable, self medicating, and unpredictably violent – it was unsafe for me to remain in Colorado. I took my son, not his (he never adopted), and came to California where I had 3 friends who know my word is gold. My friends helped me by loaning me furniture & small appliances, and loaning me money for rent. All of which I returned and paid back the following year. Today, I own my own home. I did it all on my own. With money I saved in my 401k – which took quite a hit in 2008, thanks to the de-regulated investment industry and white collar criminals. I bought the home based on my own good credit, with money I borrowed from my 401k. I am also paying my son’s tuition at CSU this year – not the government, not the taxpayer – I am, out of my secretary’s salary.

My son is an AP Scholar. He’s never taken drugs, gotten drunk, or taken advantage of anyone in any way. He’s the most decent kid you could find in America. He hates no one. He ridicules no one. He is kind, thoughtful, thrifty – everything a Scout is asked to be EXCEPT he knows that gay doesn’t rub off on anyone and it isn’t the cause of HIV.

My son was raised on welfare for the first 2 years of his life. Then I worked part time and got SSI for 2 years because of his special needs, and then therapy paid off and he no longer had special needs or SSI. Thank you very much. So what taxpayers did is invest in an extraordinary human being who is contributing to the quality of life in everyone who knows him. And I am quite certain that my 12 years of community service as a volunteer has more than made up for the help I needed from taxpayers!

Furthermore, my entire family are part of the 47% working poor and most of them are Republicans who would rather die than need food stamps. My schizophrenic brother could have gotten welfare, but he didn’t want to. Instead, he washed dishes, collected recyclables, and went hungry. Then, hopeless, in 1983 he committed suicide. Partly, society is to blame for stigmatizing our poor and disadvantaged citizens. My brother was a great writer and could have written something that might have changed lives if he wasn’t constantly shunned, feared, and talked about socially as a burden.

My entire family is part of that 47% – hardworking, good citizens. Honest, decent, nice people, several with some pretty serious existing conditions. It pains me that some of them fail to respect what this President has accomplished.

Bottom line, in my opinion:  There is little difference between Corporate Welfare and Social Welfare.  Both are essential to a thriving community and require wisdom and integrity.  We have seen plenty of examples of abuse of corporate welfare, too, and they have done great harm to our economic health as a nation.

Carma Chan
Tarzana, California

Author, 10 Most Annoying Things People Say to NICU Parents
and Memoirs of a Remarkable Survivor

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